Earlier this year I discovered an article about a study where researchers followed ADHD kids around for the day and compared their daily interactions with others to the daily interactions of non ADHD kids.  Of course I can’t locate it now when I want to pass it on to my kid’s teachers!  The article was written by a psychologist from South Dakota and I found it on the Nebraska special education website.  I thought I had bookmarked it or saved it and now I can’t find it, but I won’t ever forget reading it.

It was quite shocking to me when I read the article.  I couldn’t help but wonder if it was possible that 80% of my kid’s daily interactions were negative.  80% ~ that seemed so high to me; only 20% of their day they had positive interactions.  I remember looking for the actual study or any other study that could help me better understand the daily life of our kids.  I also recall a profound sadness and a sense of “not my kids” feeling that came over me.  I just couldn’t believe the numbers. 

Then I thought about more.  If you really think about it, these kids driven by motor, oblivious to “normal” social clues, highly sensitive and intelligent, impulsive and ruminating little beings most likely don’t have many positive interactions during their typical day. 

I thought about my ADHD son who is in constant motion.  I imagine his day at his desk fidgeting with his pencils, colors and paper.  I imagine him lining up with the other kids, his squirming in line, never staying perfectly still and in “order”.  I imagine him touching everything within his reach, talking excessively when he isn’t supposed to, and his little mind wandering with each distraction that comes up during the day. Wow ~ I would bet that his interactions with others are more negative than a non ADHD child.  I imagine his teachers and other kids constantly telling him to stay still, pay attention, don’t do this or that, stop touching things, be quiet, and focus. 

I can easily understand and believe that 80% of my kid’s daily interactions are negative in nature.  But on the flip side, I can also do something about that percentage for my kids. 

As their parent I can lower that percentage by my own understanding and interactions with them.  I can help to educate others; teachers, friends, parents, and family with the understanding that my kid’s brains are wired differently.  I can advocate that different isn’t negative; different is truly positive.  I can discuss with my kids the interactions that they have that are not quite positive and help them understand ~ so they can help others to understand.   I can help them to understand themselves better and know that they are truly extraordinary, spectacular, and amazing children.

It is so important to advocate and educate others about how wonderful they can be.  Many times these kids get lost in the day to day.  Through our daily interactions with them and others, we can make a difference and turn that percentage around.   I make a difference, my kids make a difference, my clients make a difference, and you can too!

Namaste!

PS  If anyone can send me information about this research ~ I would greatly appreciate it! J

My daughter loves visiting and wants to move back every time we visit.  Then we come home to 10 acres of nature and all her animals.  Yes, she changes her mind and decides that we can have both.  This trip was especially interesting since we bought her school supplies and of course had that all too often discussion about idolizing Hannah Montana! 

One of the most important concepts that I can share with parents is picking and choosing the battles and staying the course.  Allow me to explain.  I have been having the Hannah discussion with my daughter for a year now.  Explaining how Hollywood isn’t real life and the importance of finding role models that are really making a difference in other peoples lives and becoming a role model yourself by being who you really are and standing up for what’s right in the world.  Also explaining the Disney machine and how the corporation is just riding the wave for as long as the wave goes on. 

Not an easy concept for a 10, now 11 year old, but she is beginning to understand as we walk through a store and find anything and everything that has Hannah on it priced higher than the same item that doesn’t.  It helps that she makes an allowance and can buy her own things.  And it helps that I teach her the amount of money she spends on Hannah versus non Hannah items.  I simply tell her the price differences. For example, a Hannah folder is 84 cents; a plain red folder is 34 cents; she needs five ~ She has $10 to spend and $5.80 left over if she buys Hannah folders and $8.30 left over if the plain red folders will do.

I must say that I was a little discouraged that the Disney machine won out when she decided to buy Hannah folders and notebooks.  But again, we keep teaching as parents and hope that the message is received.  We all know the feeling of disappointment when our children make choices that we know aren’t the best, but just as we did, they have to learn life lessons on their own for the message to finally hit home. 

Our children are listening and taking in everything even when we don’t think they are.  All our discussions and letting her have the final choice on the matter paid off.  She was listening and it’s these moments where we as parents are assured that in spite of a little frustration along the way, when push comes to shove, they will make a good decision based upon the information we provide them. 

My daughter stayed up late on the night before her birthday and was supposedly on webkinz world playing with her new dragon webkinz.  She did play with the dragon, but she also looked up Hannah on the internet and found the questionable pictures of her that have been in the news lately.  She was very upset and told me right after she woke up on her birthday that Hannah wasn’t quite what she thought she was.  She also decided that she wanted to take back her Hannah folders and notebooks because she didn’t like the pictures she found on the internet.  She cried and sat on my lap and told me I was right.  WOW, that was a tough thing for her to do.  Telling mom that she was right all along!   (YEA ME!!)

I told her that I was proud of her and the decision she made to take the Hannah stuff back since I knew it was a difficult decision for her.  I also told her that I knew she would make the right decision when she was ready to.  I explained that those pictures had been on the internet for quite a while, but I didn’t think she needed to see them.  She asked me why Hannah would take pictures of herself and put them on the internet.  I explained that we don’t really know who put the pictures out there, but once something is on the internet, it stays on the internet ~ an important lesson for everyone to learn!   

So in the end, she did listen and learn on her own that there are more important things in the world to be focusing on instead of her former idol Hannah.  We all wanted to be rock stars when we were young.  I remember standing in front of the mirror with a brush pretending that I was on stage rocking out!  I would bet you did too!  We all can’t be rock stars on the stage making music, but we are the rock stars of our own lives.  I like to teach my children to soar with their strengths and keep dreaming of tomorrow.  They are already rock stars in their own right, and so are your kids. 

Namaste! 

I would guess you didn’t think it would be so difficult to write a letter about your child.  I completely understand.  While working on my daughter’s letter this year, I had some difficulty in taking the strengths she has and turning them into positives.  I was thinking that her age (she turns 11 next week) has quite a bit to do with it. OR the Disney machine that keeps cranking out the multitude of Hannah Montana merchandise!! 

Allow me to explain.  My daughter is one of those kids who idolizes Hannah Montana and wants to be just like her.  (Yes just like the millions of other little girls out there!)  So she and I have been a little contentious with each other since I am of the mindset that idolizing anything that is overwhelming marketed by a large corporation isn’t good for her; and she is of the mindset that Hannah Montana / Miley Cyrus is the best thing since sliced bread. 

Of course, she wants Hannah clothes, school supplies, back pack, underwear, etc…  And it doesn’t matter how many times I explain that just because the pencil has Hannah on, it doesn’t make it write any different and doesn’t justify the cost.  I give her an example of a regular pencil costing about 10 cents and a Hannah pencil costing about a dollar. While she can comprehend the difference and agrees that products shouldn’t be more expensive just because of the person on the pencil; she also asked me if she could get Hannah folders and just regular pencils instead. 

Hmmm, think that discussion missed the boat a little bit, but at least I tried.  Alas, I digress!  So, when writing the letter about her strengths, I was having some difficulty separating my annoyance with her insistence on everything Hannah.  So I had to strategize some other ideas about coming up with her strengths.  Put my emotions aside and look just at facts.  The obvious answer was to coach myself into finding them just as I do others.  If you are having difficulty, try some of these to get you going.   

To help get started on finding her strengths, I decided to ask some relatives to tell me something that they feel she is good at.  I got quite a bit of good info there.  It is always interesting for me to see how other people view her. 

Then I found a strength finder site through Penn State that had a strengths test for children over 8.  I found the test results for my daughter very interesting and close to what I was coming up with on my own.  The test can be found here:    http://www.viasurvey.org/ .    It is free to register and different from the Gallup strengths that I have taken for myself.  I wouldn’t take the results as set in stone however since our children are always changing, but I would consider it helpful for my letter writing task.    

Another thing I did with my daughter was ask her directly what she felt her strengths were.  I find it an interesting and insightful conversation which builds intimacy and self esteem. 

Lastly I developed a resume of sorts for her teachers. (With her help) In addition to the letter I find that the more a teacher knows about your child, the more he/she can connect with them if difficulties arise.  We put such things as interests, likes, dislikes, hobbies, family info, and pets.  I also include a copy of our homework routine so they can refer to it if necessary. 

Once the packet is complete, I will drop it off at the school before their first day.  This will allow the teacher some time to actually read it and anticipate meeting my kids.  (I hope they anticipate it anyway!)   J

My letter for my daughter is almost complete, and I must say once I got going, it wasn’t as difficult writing about her strengths.  And really finding them wasn’t the true issue at all, but explaining them to someone who isn’t familiar with her that was causing me trouble. The difficulty now is keeping it short so the teacher will actually read it!  So, a couple more versions and I will be done.  How’s your letter coming???

Enjoy the rest of your summer! 

Write a letter to your child’s teachers

Write a letter to your child’s teacher introducing your child, his/her strengths, and weaknesses with tips that have worked at home or last year.  Provide a way for the teacher to communicate with you as necessary.  I email my children’s teacher as needed to communicate things that happen at home that may impact their school day.  Important:  Password protect your email ~ I learned this one the hard way last year!!!   I also like to provide ADHD information as well to ensure the teacher is aware of your child’s special traits.  CHADD has some wonderful information to impart that can be found at their site:  www.chadd.org

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Practice run their school schedule

Try to get a copy of your child’s daily schedule to begin reviewing and walking through with them before school starts.  I set a timer and let them know what they are doing next or where they need to go.  We practice re packing our backpack to be ready for changing classrooms.  We keep a calendar for school activities, before/after school activities, and special events in a location they can access anytime.  

Communicate with the school nurse

Write out your child’s medical information, allergies, medication, common complaints, and possible remedies that have worked in the past.  For example, my daughter seems to feel sick to her stomach more when the weather is cold and it is time for recess.   My son on the other hand could be bleeding profusely and not want a band aid. 

Devise a homework plan

Discuss with your children their homework plan.  Let them make some decisions about when, where, and how they plan to get it done.  Allowing them to make decisions will help them feel more empowered to accomplish their goal.  I use a calendar with stickers that they get to pick out once their homework is done.  If they don’t have homework, they get a sticker anyway, and when the month is up hang the sticker filled calendar where they can see it in their homework spot.  

Re read their IEP/504 plan

Review their IEP/504 plan before school starts to see if they met their goals, what goals may need some improvement, and begin thinking about what goals may be needed this year.  Schedule a meeting with your child’s school support team to strategize on how they can be successful this coming year.  Include your child if it’s appropriate and the team agrees.

Review social norms

Role play social situations that you child will encounter in school.  Ask them questions about they will handle common situations; get them thinking now about how to react.  I like to role play situations that they have talked to me about last school year.  We also review how to make and treat friends.   A couple of questions I ask my 10 year old daughter are: What will you do if your friend is sitting with other friends at lunch?   How will you handle yourself if you ask to sit with them and they say no or there isn’t room?  What will you do if the teacher calls on you and you don’t have the answer?  What if you do have the answer and the teacher doesn’t call on you?  What will you do if the boys tease you about your new haircut?  It’s difficult, but don’t give them the answers, guide them to finding an appropriate solution. 

Create an organized area for papers coming home

There are plenty of papers that will be coming home, so prepare now for the deluge.  We one spot in our home for all papers and we file them in order of importance; papers that mom needs to read now, homework papers that we can go over anytime, and those we need to discuss that night.  Papers they are proud of go directly to the refrigerator for the week.  When the week is done, we file them and keep them as reminders of what we can accomplish when we have those difficult days. 

Buy extra supplies

Save yourself time later and buy extra supplies now. I like to keep pencils, erasers, markers, and red pens on hand for when they loose the ones they have at school. All the labeling in the world isn’t going to stop them from getting lost!  A locker organizer is a must have for my daughter!  And a superman/batman pencil does wonders for helping my son get his math done!

The impending school year can be stressful for many of our ADHD children, so anything we can do to help them transition and be successful benefits you and them in the long run.  Remember to celebrate successes, ask for help when you need it, take care of you and have a great start back to school! 

Last summer he ran into a bird bath at my parent’s house and got 6 staples in his head.  This time he almost knocked his front tooth out.  He was building a ramp of some sort and it fell and then he fell into the top part of the ramp.  I was inside the house doing the dishes after dinner when all of a sudden he bursts into the kitchen, screaming and crying, blood dripping everywhere!    

I could feel my blood pressure rise and panic beginning to set in.  The one thing that truly scares me the most about being in the country is being so far from emergency medical help.  In the city, you are 5 – 10 minutes away from an emergency facility with professionals who can help you; in the country, it’s 30 – 40 minutes. 

However, what I find interesting is that somewhere inside me is a general who is very calm during the initial panic of an injury.  Inside, I was TENSE wondering just what had happened, why was there so much blood, and how was I going to explain to him that he did need to see a doctor knowing how much he hated the staples last year.

My thoughts were so quick that I barely had time to panic!  I calmly told him that he needed to calm down and let me see what had happened.  He did, but not without saying “The doctor can’t put staples in your mouth can he?”  I told him that he needed to be calm, let me look, and we were going to put ice on it, then we would see if he needed to go to the doctor.      

Looking at his mouth, I got that queasy feeling that maybe we were headed to the hospital, but I wasn’t sure if they could do anything since it looked like little cuts on either side of his tooth.  It definitely looked like it HURT a lot!!  And a little harder hit, that tooth could have been gone! 

I ended up not taking him to the doctor after conferring with his dad. (Who thinks that I baby him too much anyway?)  It was late and the bleeding stopped relatively quickly.  I figured that a dentist would most likely take hours to locate and even more time to come in to see him, so we would wait until morning to see how he did through the night.  

Everything turned out OK.  The tooth isn’t loose and is healing quite nicely.  He was very lucky this time.

As his mother, I know that injuries are part of the mix, but I wish he could try and be a little more careful.  As a coach, I know that he is driven by motor and has no brakes.  So I can remind him about the staples when I see him getting over zealous and sometimes it works, but sometimes he keeps on going! 

Note to self:  Update first aid kit!

Namaste!

summer Injury

Well, let me tell you!  It’s great…in my imagination! 

 Recently I was asked what it was like to have perfectly well behaved ADHD children.  My reply was what would make you believe that my children were perfectly well behaved?  “Well, you are an ADHD coach; I just assumed that your children are well behaved ADHD kids.”   I thought for a second, and replied with “Do doctors ever get sick?”  To which she said “Yes, I guess they do.”   

Believing that my children are perfectly behaved ADHD kids because I am an ADHD coach is like believing that Doctors or their kids never get sick.  Doctors get sick, their kids get sick, and my children’s behavior is just like any other ADHD child.  Actually any child for that matter. 

Sometimes I wish my children came with a user’s manual.  Wouldn’t that be fabulous!  Just go to page 945 to see what to do when your child tells you no for the 15^th time.   Page 1128 tells you what to do when your child “helps” you by cleaning the bathtub with shampoo.  Page 2646 tells you what to do when your child lies about taking dads tools out of the tool box and placing them under his bed.   

It would be great to have all the answers, but just like any other parent ADHD or otherwise, I don’t have them all.  Honestly, if I met someone who had all the answers, I would be quite leery.  Personally, I don’t believe that anyone has ALL the answers.  If they did, could they be human? 

As human beings, we all come from different places, have different experiences, believe different things, think different ways, live different lives and love different ways.  That is what I believe makes humanity awesome.  Sure there are some bad apples in the basket; just cut those pieces out and the apple is still good. 

I like to think that I help people cut those bad pieces out.  Cut out the negativity, the stuff that doesn’t serve you or anyone else.   Coaching is my passion and I love helping others be the best that they can be.  It is why I am here in this universe right now in a world that sometimes dwells on the negative.  Dwell on the positive, look for it, savor it, live it, change your path.  Or not…It’s your choice!

Namaste!

My 10 year old daughter had a tough weekend and mommy coaching was needed to help her see her way through.  There was a rodeo in a town close to us and my daughter was very excited that she and her dad (the horse lovers in our family) were going to go.  We own horses and my husband trains and shoes them for a hobby.  My daughter loves her horse and spends as much time as she can learning from her dad about horses. 

My son on the other hand is not interested in the horses much at all; every once and a while I will catch him petting them, but he does not ride nor take care of them. He had decided that he did not want to go to the rodeo; he wanted to stay home with mom and go swimming.  So our Friday night was planned and everything was great up until the moment right before dinner when my son announced that he had changed his mind and did want to go to see the bulls at the rodeo.  Holy moley guacamole!  My daughter immediately started to seriously melt down! 

She proceeded to follow my son around ranting and raving that he did not like horses as much as she did and that she was daddys girl, and he was mommys boy and that she was going to spend quality time with her dad while he stayed home with mom, and so on and so on…Of course my son tried to fight back with his own type of logic, that her dad was his dad and they both could spend time with him, etc… But she was having none of it.  She did not let up on him until I finally chimed in that we were all going to go to the rodeo and that we could all have fun as a family together – end of story.  Then she promptly went to her room to cry it out. 

I figured that after she had a good cry, she would feel a little better and accept that we were all going.  I went to her room to call her for dinner and she announced that she was no t hungry and did not want to go to the rodeo after all. Now, the mommy me wanted to tell her to get her little butt up out of that bed and deal with it since it was not that big of a deal.  After all, I had a nice calm night planned reading by my pond, I am not into the horse stuff, and the rodeo was the last place I wanted to spend my Friday night!! 

But coach me asked her what she was feeling right at that moment.  After some questioning, she admitted that she was jealous and had planned the night out at the rodeo with just her dad.  So I asked her to tell me how her night was going to go with just her dad.  She explained that they would go talk to the cowboys since her dad knew many of them, and that she would be the center of attention. Then I asked her how the night would be changed if her brother and I went with them.  She explained that her brother would act out and end up needing more attention because of his hyper behavior.  Wow.  That was big coming from a 10 year old! 

I was pretty torn as to what to do next.  I hated to see her disappointed, and I also hated disappointing my son if I told him that he and I were going to stay home.  But I also knew that she was most likely right with her assessment of her brother. The excitement of the events surrounding the rodeo would most likely make him more hyper and we would end up garnering more attention towards him in order to help him be calm.  My ADD mind was in full gear searching for a win-win outcome. 

Quickly I pulled my husband aside and explained the situation and we came up with a viable solution.  At dinner my husband asked my daughter if she could go with him to the back area to see some of the horses that were taking part in the rodeo.  Of course my son popped up and asked if he could go, but daddy told him that he needed to stay and watch over mommy since she didn’t know anything about rodeos and it could be dangerous for her to be alone.  J  And just like that, the impending doom of the evening was averted.    

The evening worked out fine.  My son was more hyper with all the activity, but my daughter happy to have her daddy to herself checking out horses and talking to rodeo cowboys.  I enjoyed the time distracting my son and engaging him in discussions about what the cowboys were doing throughout the night.  (Yes I did have to make stuff up at times!!)  But I still have to say that rodeos are really not my cup of tea and I just might have faired better with a book by the pond and a disappointed son in the pool!!!

Being a parent is by far the toughest job I have ever had and I don’t always get it right.  Many times I reflect back on situations and feel that I could have handled it differently. But the facts are that I did not, so I choose to learn from those moments, move on, and know what not to do next time. 

Namaste!

Yes that is a Jif peanut butter jar stuck on his head.  I still can’t imagine how he did that?  The worst part of it all is that I couldn’t pull it off, I had to cut it off his head.   Guess karma works for dogs too!  Get in the trash, get a peanut butter jar stuck to your head, any questions????? 

Namaste!

I have been writing over at the adhdcoaches blog, so I have been neglecting this one. I am going to copy some of my blog entries from there to here, then I will most likely write more on this one and every once in a while over there.  Hope someone out there missed me!!

This is from 6/10/08:

Good Day!

I have been trying to write for a week now, but the weather has not been cooperating. As you may know, I live in the Midwest and it has been especially nasty this year.  There are flood warnings for my county and the counties around me, so traveling has proved difficult; many roads are closed.  We live in an old farm house without a basement, so we have traveled to my in-laws (literally 2 minutes away) just about every night when the tornado spotters are called out. 

Changes in routine are tough for the kids.  Severe weather is also tough for the kids.  The lightening and thunder are especially bright and loud so the kids have had interrupted sleep on top of the worry about tornados.  Kids with ADHD and lack of sleep are somewhat on the grouchy side and of course mommy gets the brunt of their frustration!

In addition to their heightened states of awareness, mommy is also more stressed since we have lost power three times, water once, and got hit by lightening so my router is not working.  Mommy can take just about anything, but take her internet access, and look out!!!

It is times like these where I need to stop and pause.  I learned about the power of a pause from Master Coach and ADD Coach Academyfounder David Giwerc.  I complete my ADD coaching training through ADDCA in two weeks.  I have learned so much about my own ADD and so many useful strategies that I use with my own family. 

We are a more cohesive family since I started ADD coaching and learning more about myself and my family.  Coaching has changed how I look at our family and how I react during these stressful times.  We had similar weather last year and I notice a substantial difference in how we are all responding to the difficult weather.  We are calmer; I am calmer. And that is the point of my post today.                                                  

As a parent, my kids look to me during these stressful times; how I react directly impacts how they react.  The calmer I am; the calmer they are. The more I pause to reflect; the better I become.

Namaste!

I can’t help thinking about all the mothers of these special needs ADHD kids this weekend. I wonder if any of the other mothers believe that spending Mother’s Day with your children really isn’t any different than any other day!  I just can’t help but think that Mother’s Day should be about spending time away from your children.  That would be a true Mother’s Day!!!   Spending the day shopping, at the spa, getting pampered, just being quiet, etc… 

I remember the last time someone asked me how many kids I had and I responded “Two, but they are both ADHD, so it is really like having four.”    People laugh when I say that, but I swear it is sooo true!  I love my children dearly, but they are high maintenance.  They are a lot of work. 

Mothers of ADHD kids need extra hugs.  It is a huge balancing act working with your ADHD child.  At any moment a crisis could arise that throws these children into major fits. 

One example I can think of is my 7 year old son and his need for  ”warm” clothes before he gets dressed every morning.  My son can kick up a truly major fit in the morning if I don’t warm up his clothes in the dryer before he gets dressed.    He just needs warm clothes to put on in the morning.  I get “it” and I warm up his clothes every morning.  And just by warming up his clothes I prevent a melt down AND a potential negative interaction.

I read recently that a “normal” child has positive interactions throughout a given day 80% of the time.   ADHD children have 80% negative interactions throughout a given day.  WOW.  Imagine how that child feels after one day of interactions.  80 percent…8 out of 10 interactions with others – children, teachers, parents, sibilings, etc…  8 times the interaction is negative in some way.  Wow. 

I can imagine my son’s day.  His ADHD in full swing…  I would imagine he gets told to sit back down in his seat a couple of times on the bus.  I wonder how many times his teachers tell him to stop talking.  He is a talker that child of mine!   I wonder how many times he steps over the line at recess?  I can just imagine him running down the hallway for the 50th time this year.  And I would bet he hears the word ‘focus’ a time or two during the day. 

Yes, I can believe that 80% of the time my children’s daily interactions are negative.  

When I put on my coach hat, I want to help parents work with their kids on increasing the positive interactions in their lives which in turn will help to develop a healthy self esteem.  When I put on my mom hat, I just want to cry because I know that sometimes when these children are growning up what “they” say is sometimes more important than what mom/dad says. 

So, when I warm up my son’s clothes in the dryer in the morning and other people look at me like I am crazy, or coddling him, well, so what!  It makes him happy and starts off his day in a more positive way. 

AND really, shouldn’t moms aways be in that 20%?? 

Namaste!